A Proud Mom of One

I am proud to be the mother of one.

I have one, beautiful, smart, funny, compassionate daughter and I wouldn't trade this experience for the world! Oh sure.. there were times when I have second guessed myself. There were times when I wondered if two would make things better. There have been times when I've been shamed by mothers of many that I am doing a grave disservice to my daughter for not providing her with siblings.

Sure it's a tough choice but it is a personal choice and one that I feel was chosen as it best suits myself, my daughter and my husband. It's our little family of three and we can pretty well do what we want, when we want and how we want. I have heard the endless concerns from larger families that our daughter must be bored, she must be lonely, she must be spoiled, she must be odd. And I scratch my head in wonder as to what gives others the right to be so bold, so cruel and so opinionated?

It hurts sometimes, but I can assure you my daughter is not lonely, nor is she bored, spoiled and she certainly is not odd. But because we have one, I can give my daughter the attention she deserves, the attention she needs and she knows that she is loved unequivocally. I have grand dreams for her - to grow up as a skilled and proud athlete and a kind and caring citizen of the earth and maybe, just maybe she will become a doctor... but alas these are my dreams for her. She must find her own way in the world and whatever path she chooses... I will love her all the same and support her and be there for her when she needs me.

And sure I know large families where the children all love each other and support each other. But I also know families that don't speak to one another... that haven't seen each other for years or been in contact for decades. I don't think there is a perfect size of family. It is based on your experience and your own personal choices. It should not be open for discussion or debate or wonder. This is the path I have chosen; perhaps chosen for medical reasons, perhaps chosen for financial reasons or perhaps just chosen because this is what we want. But it is our choice.. it is our family and we love our family of three.

Adventures of Earth Week

Another year, another earth week. I never go out of my way to do anything "earth-friendly" during this much-hyped day and week. I usually do these anyway, without much thought or motivation -- I just do it. I always have and always will.

Lu and I walked in the woods and marveled at the wonder of the arrival of spring; from the tiny, green buds on the trees to the honking geese overhead and the colourful varieties of flowers making their way through the newly warmed earth.

We gardened and raked and cleaned and organized. We lay on the grass and watched the clouds roll past us. We silently crept through the fields and down by the creek to spy on the animal families with the hope of catching a glimpse of any brand new arrivals. We inhaled the sweet, fragrant smells from apple blossoms and squished newly formed tent caterpillars between our gloved fingers. We ran as fast as we could and laughed out loud. We bundled ourselves against the strong yet chilly winds and stretched toward the warmth of the sun. We looked for faeries and pixies and other mystical creatures. We studied the difference between pine needles and cedar leaves. We happily said goodbye to the lady bugs who had called our window sills home. We ate our first popsicle. We dug in the earth and made sand castles in the sand.

And as per usual we planted 50 or so tree seedlings on the back hill, just as we have been doing for years. We found neat little homes for their far reaching roots, supplied the first watering and wished them much luck for decades and decades of successful growth!

And as usual we walked the road and peered into ditches; we pulled out Tim Horton's coffee cups, beer cans and whiskey bottles and a variety of garbage discarded from passing vehicles.

"Why is there garbage on the side of the road," asked Lu... Good question I thought.. why do people throw garbage out their windows? Is it convenience. Is it ignorance? Is it habit? Whatever the reason it still happens. It still happens after all the awareness, after all the pleading and after all the Earth Day celebrations - the garbage still piles up at the side of the road.

First Hair Cut

Well.. finally had to do it. Lu had to have her first hair cut. I was kind of hoping to let it grow just a teeny bit more... but brushing her hair of late was like sticking your arm into a viper pit. Not fun.

So here she is in all her blonde, curly glory... I was so traumatized! In the end, we all survived. And for now, brushing her hair is slightly less painful, slightly less vocal and just a little bit quicker.

Happy Easter = Chocolate Overload

I really meant well. I didn't want to buy a lot of chocolate for Lu on Easter... and well that lasted for all of 2 minutes by the time I entered a certain box store and was overwhelmed by loads of brightly coloured foil, expertly packaged cream eggs and oh so sweet, oh so delicious Lindor Easter egg parcels.

What was I to do? I grabbed as many goodies as my arms could hold and dashed to the check out before my PMS-laden psyche overruled whatever sense of responsible snacking I could justify for a few small, measly even, chocolate treats. Indulgently I scarfed down a silky smooth Cadbury caramel egg before reaching the car. I, of course, was able to justify that indulgence because we had gone skiing on Saturday. Ok... a bit of a stretch... but it is all I could think of while dashing to the car in the hopes no one would see me or recognize me inhaling a large, chocolate and sickly sweet caramel-injected confection. It was all done before I reached the car; not one amber coloured morsel left on my fingers to savour, not a speck of sinfully sweet chocolate to melt on my tongue - all I had to show for it was a fistful of foil and a guilty conscience.

But the good thing is ... I didn't buy ALL chocolate goodies.... I did make it to a Craft store and purchased a few small items for Lu. And I did all this because I love the thrill of a good scavenger hunt. I have already mapped out, in my mind, where the Easter Bunny is hiding the goodies on the property. I have the Easter Bunny hiding items inside the barn, under a few trees, at the entrance to the forest, beside our wood pile, up a few trees close to the house and perhaps a few other spots I haven't thought of yet. So in the end it will all work out. And most importantly, I will monitor what and when and how much of the sugar Lu will ingest at one sitting. I also have some great craft ideas to finish both before and during this weekend festivity.

Happy Easter!

Skiing in Vermont

We're back... we're sore... we're exhausted but most importantly we are very happy. We all achieved our own personal bests on the hill at Smuggler's Notch -- a really wonderful and family friendly resort... so much to do in too little time.

We tried to take advantage of all the offerings as best we could: ski lessons for The Husband and I... ski camp every day for Lu... Funzone, swimming, snowshoeing, Top of the Notch candlelight dinner, snow-tubing, restaurants.. but I really should have had a massage... next time for sure.

Lu learned so much and we are oh so proud of her. She rocked the Cookie race and got to meet (and hug) her hero Mogul Mouse.

Definitely going back next year.

Lots of work to catch up on... and lots of memories to cherish.

Enjoying the Great Outdoors

Now that the Olympics are over.. I feel like I am experiencing a bit of withdrawal... no more yelling at the TV during close races... no more inspiration from the wonderful, talented and humble athletes, no more excitement and Patriot pride... and no more access to really great programming on tv!

It's back to the same old, same old. I love watching the Olympics.. any Olympics.. summer or winter... whatever is on. And it was nice too, this year we could watch with Lu... she was really getting into hockey and speed skating, but of course her favourite was watching the "princesses" dance on the ice, or watching the speed demons on the downhill races. It was all so thrilling and magical.

And heck.. you never know.. maybe years from now we will be watching our own daughter excelling at an Olympic game at whatever sport she chooses to pursue... you just never know.

And of course I just assume she will be a great athlete. We spend a lot of time outdoors - playing, walking, riding our bikes, playing games, gardening, shoveling the walk, throwing the frisbee for the dog, hiking, swimming, sailing and skiing... but whatever we do... it is outdoor. I think this is so important not only for Lu's overall development but to also impart a love of sport, activity, healthy lifestyle and love for the great outdoors in her growing mind. This is so very important to us as individuals and as a family.

Recently, I read an article about how to keep our kids active and healthy at the peak of an obesity epidemic in children throughout the western world. The article stated three simple things to do with your kids which will help keep them active and fit: prepare your meals at home from scratch; get outdoors and active with your kids and be sure to eat most meals together as a family.

This really puzzled me... what are people doing? To me, those three simple things were a no-brainer.. we already eat every meal together at the table, we already prepare 98% of our meals from scratch and we already pursue a healthy and active lifestyle. Is it really difficult for the average family to follow these three simple suggestions?

With a little planning and foresight... these three things are very easy to accomplish and ... well, SHOULD be accomplished. I can't understand why someone would allow their child to get fat.. to get lazy and to have such unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. Apparently it is more common than we all know - considering all the overweight kids I see, daily, at the grocery store, in Lu's dance class, waiting at the bus stop, going to the movies with friends...and the list goes on and on.

The Agony of Living with a Withholder

This subject doesn't come up much in regular mommy conversations, let alone conversations in general.... I mean who wants to talk about poop.. and really.. who wants to talk about your kid who can't poop. It's tough.. you can't really appreciate what one goes through if you haven't experienced it yourself.

To the uninitiated... well.. heck.. so your kid can't/won't poop.. big deal.. the sun will still set... the earth will still rotate... it is really no biggie. Right?
Wrong.
My daughter has a fear of pooping. I don't know when or why or how this came to be - we never pushed potty training... she was eager to pee on the potty at the average age of potty training and has done this well ever since... and before then her daily constitutionals were as regular as one could expect from a baby... so I never, ever saw this coming. Until almost two years ago she started experiencing some constipation. But we were on top of that immediately.. to the doctor's... added mineral oil and more fibre to her diet (she already eats a very healthy diet as is... but we figured this couldn't hurt.) and life goes on.

Fast forward to this past summer... when it had already seemed like an eternity... we would cycle from severe constipation to finally getting some relief and then right back to the constipation. And this was no ordinary constipation.. this was raw and painful and bloated and cramping and nauseating... in a word this was bad! By this point too she was living on large doses of mineral oil so the constipation was baffling. Until we figured that she wasn't necessarily constipated, yet her fear of going poop on the toilet led to withholding for days.. which inevitably led to constipation and so on and so on. The cycle would continue and continue.

Finally our family doctor was tapped out of ideas so she sent us to a pediatric surgeon... he was confident at first -- heck.. he even promised that we would have this solved by Christmas (our first appointment was in October).. I was so elated... I could barely contain myself! We left the office that day with a renewed optimism and a prescription for Poly Ethyl Glycol -- a heavy duty laxative to clear her out and get her back on track -- the goal being to make it so she couldn't physically hold in her poop... and her poop would be of such soft consistency that she would be pooping regularly and would then realize it doesn't hurt and well.... pooping on the toilet would be the next logical step.

After multiple visits to the pedi's office... he was happy that the poly ethyl glycol was working. for the most part... and for the most part it was ... she wasn't in agony and constipated after weeks and weeks of withholding... she was willing to try to sit on the toilet (although still would not poop)... but all of these were wonderful positives that gave us hope. The pedi felt that he had done all that he could do.. and if we wanted to pursue this further.. it was time to take her to the bowel clinic.

The bowel clinic? There is such a beast? I had no idea.. and I had no idea that it would ever get to this.. that my sweet and mostly healthy, smart, happy, outgoing, athletic little girl was so afraid to poop on the toilet that she would rather writhe on the floor in extreme pain, all the while, holding back any urge to poop (unless she was desperate enough to put her own pull up on for relief). This has really gotten bad.

What do you do? We have tried everything.. ranging from taking away the diapers completely (which causes further withholding, and constipation as well as a piles of soiled underwear and clothing).. to rewards and bribes to talking, begging ... even pleading. We are so desperate now I don't even know which way is up.

And again.. unless you have been through this... it is not easy.. it is not fun... and it is downright mind-numbingly frustrating.

Our lives revolve around our daughter's bowels.. if the Poly Ethyl Glycol has been working as it should... and she isn't backed up.. we know we are good.. she won't be in agony and grumpy and disagreeable and afraid to leave the house in case of an accident... BUT if she has gone days and days and days again without pooping (despite the regular doses of laxative and other incentives)... you really can't go anywhere or do anything.. she will be tired and irritable and downright difficult.

You feel sorry for her.. you do.. you just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. How on earth could she pee on the potty with such confident ease.. and yet... the thought of a poop sends her screaming over the edge with fear and unconsolable sobs. This is really, really bad.

And to make matters worse.. I did the bad mother thing.. I was tired and frazzled and at my wit's end. I had spent two days home with Lu... the Poly Ethyl Glycol was burbling up in her system like a tsunami (she had gone 7 days at this point without pooping..so I had to up her laxative.. and well.. she was about to blow)... and so she did... there was diarrhea all over the place for most of the first morning we were home... accidents galore... messes on the floor and up the stairs... two baths and counting and raw bums and chapped and sore hands from all the wiping and cleaning and clearing away the mess. By the time day two had rolled around I had literally had enough shit to deal with. Time to up the ante so to speak. Lu came to me with a fresh pull up full of poop.. she wanted me to change her.. I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. Please Lu, I begged... let's go and try to sit on the toilet. "NO!!!!!".. I can't....I'm afraid"

This eventually progressed into me taking all her toys outside and "calling" someone to come and take away her toys. The bawling and uncontrollable sobbing continued (from both of us)... after 10 mins or what seemed like an eternity, Lu came to me and said she would sit on the toilet. In we marched to the bathroom and I plopped Lu down on her cushioned seat. She cried and looked at me with her pleading eyes. Ok.. she sat on the toilet, I thought.. enough.. time to end this.

So I whisked her off the toilet and into her room.. got her cleaned up and she helped me bring her toys back inside. I gave her a really big hug after that -- more for me than her... but I still felt awful. I let it get this far, this bad, this out of control.
I am such a bad mom. How did I let it get to this. And how do I make it end? How do I get Lu to sit on the toilet and poop without fear or whatever it is that is holding her back?

I really would do anything to help her.. to get over this irrational fear and to get off this brutally difficult treadmill we are on.. this horrid unending cycle of "has she pooped, when was her last poop... please, please try to go on the toilet... mommy is begging you... mommy is proud of you... mommy is tired of all of this.... "

How do I make it stop? How do I reassure my daughter that all is fine.. she has nothing to fear.. and that she is a big girl now...
This has been going on for more time than I care to remember. and it is time to stop....