The Agony of Living with a Withholder

This subject doesn't come up much in regular mommy conversations, let alone conversations in general.... I mean who wants to talk about poop.. and really.. who wants to talk about your kid who can't poop. It's tough.. you can't really appreciate what one goes through if you haven't experienced it yourself.

To the uninitiated... well.. heck.. so your kid can't/won't poop.. big deal.. the sun will still set... the earth will still rotate... it is really no biggie. Right?
Wrong.
My daughter has a fear of pooping. I don't know when or why or how this came to be - we never pushed potty training... she was eager to pee on the potty at the average age of potty training and has done this well ever since... and before then her daily constitutionals were as regular as one could expect from a baby... so I never, ever saw this coming. Until almost two years ago she started experiencing some constipation. But we were on top of that immediately.. to the doctor's... added mineral oil and more fibre to her diet (she already eats a very healthy diet as is... but we figured this couldn't hurt.) and life goes on.

Fast forward to this past summer... when it had already seemed like an eternity... we would cycle from severe constipation to finally getting some relief and then right back to the constipation. And this was no ordinary constipation.. this was raw and painful and bloated and cramping and nauseating... in a word this was bad! By this point too she was living on large doses of mineral oil so the constipation was baffling. Until we figured that she wasn't necessarily constipated, yet her fear of going poop on the toilet led to withholding for days.. which inevitably led to constipation and so on and so on. The cycle would continue and continue.

Finally our family doctor was tapped out of ideas so she sent us to a pediatric surgeon... he was confident at first -- heck.. he even promised that we would have this solved by Christmas (our first appointment was in October).. I was so elated... I could barely contain myself! We left the office that day with a renewed optimism and a prescription for Poly Ethyl Glycol -- a heavy duty laxative to clear her out and get her back on track -- the goal being to make it so she couldn't physically hold in her poop... and her poop would be of such soft consistency that she would be pooping regularly and would then realize it doesn't hurt and well.... pooping on the toilet would be the next logical step.

After multiple visits to the pedi's office... he was happy that the poly ethyl glycol was working. for the most part... and for the most part it was ... she wasn't in agony and constipated after weeks and weeks of withholding... she was willing to try to sit on the toilet (although still would not poop)... but all of these were wonderful positives that gave us hope. The pedi felt that he had done all that he could do.. and if we wanted to pursue this further.. it was time to take her to the bowel clinic.

The bowel clinic? There is such a beast? I had no idea.. and I had no idea that it would ever get to this.. that my sweet and mostly healthy, smart, happy, outgoing, athletic little girl was so afraid to poop on the toilet that she would rather writhe on the floor in extreme pain, all the while, holding back any urge to poop (unless she was desperate enough to put her own pull up on for relief). This has really gotten bad.

What do you do? We have tried everything.. ranging from taking away the diapers completely (which causes further withholding, and constipation as well as a piles of soiled underwear and clothing).. to rewards and bribes to talking, begging ... even pleading. We are so desperate now I don't even know which way is up.

And again.. unless you have been through this... it is not easy.. it is not fun... and it is downright mind-numbingly frustrating.

Our lives revolve around our daughter's bowels.. if the Poly Ethyl Glycol has been working as it should... and she isn't backed up.. we know we are good.. she won't be in agony and grumpy and disagreeable and afraid to leave the house in case of an accident... BUT if she has gone days and days and days again without pooping (despite the regular doses of laxative and other incentives)... you really can't go anywhere or do anything.. she will be tired and irritable and downright difficult.

You feel sorry for her.. you do.. you just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. How on earth could she pee on the potty with such confident ease.. and yet... the thought of a poop sends her screaming over the edge with fear and unconsolable sobs. This is really, really bad.

And to make matters worse.. I did the bad mother thing.. I was tired and frazzled and at my wit's end. I had spent two days home with Lu... the Poly Ethyl Glycol was burbling up in her system like a tsunami (she had gone 7 days at this point without pooping..so I had to up her laxative.. and well.. she was about to blow)... and so she did... there was diarrhea all over the place for most of the first morning we were home... accidents galore... messes on the floor and up the stairs... two baths and counting and raw bums and chapped and sore hands from all the wiping and cleaning and clearing away the mess. By the time day two had rolled around I had literally had enough shit to deal with. Time to up the ante so to speak. Lu came to me with a fresh pull up full of poop.. she wanted me to change her.. I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. Please Lu, I begged... let's go and try to sit on the toilet. "NO!!!!!".. I can't....I'm afraid"

This eventually progressed into me taking all her toys outside and "calling" someone to come and take away her toys. The bawling and uncontrollable sobbing continued (from both of us)... after 10 mins or what seemed like an eternity, Lu came to me and said she would sit on the toilet. In we marched to the bathroom and I plopped Lu down on her cushioned seat. She cried and looked at me with her pleading eyes. Ok.. she sat on the toilet, I thought.. enough.. time to end this.

So I whisked her off the toilet and into her room.. got her cleaned up and she helped me bring her toys back inside. I gave her a really big hug after that -- more for me than her... but I still felt awful. I let it get this far, this bad, this out of control.
I am such a bad mom. How did I let it get to this. And how do I make it end? How do I get Lu to sit on the toilet and poop without fear or whatever it is that is holding her back?

I really would do anything to help her.. to get over this irrational fear and to get off this brutally difficult treadmill we are on.. this horrid unending cycle of "has she pooped, when was her last poop... please, please try to go on the toilet... mommy is begging you... mommy is proud of you... mommy is tired of all of this.... "

How do I make it stop? How do I reassure my daughter that all is fine.. she has nothing to fear.. and that she is a big girl now...
This has been going on for more time than I care to remember. and it is time to stop....

The Cat Came Back...

Why is it that some people won't take responsibility for their pets? Whether they neglect them or abuse them or refuse to have animals under their care spayed or neutered? I just don't get it. And these same people who probably use the excuse that spaying or neutering is too expensive... well they are probably saying that as they sit in front of a giant screen tv and a 24 of beer. I just don't get it.

Then these same people figure if it's an animal.. it can survive in the wild. Why anyone would think that a domesticated animal could survive out of doors, in the cold winter without any survival skills is beyond me. So what do these people do? They spinelessly drive out to the country in the middle of the night and drop off their unwanted pets. Why can't they take them to the humane society... or find another home for them. What makes them think that dropping off a kitten or loyal dog in the middle of nowhere, late at night, when the temperatures are dropping below -25 celsius... that everything will be fine. Or I guess in probability these people just don't care. I'd love to catch someone - red-handed - doing this cowardly deed. I'm not sure what I'd do... but for sure I'd get a license plate number and call the police.. and then fantasize about beating the crap out of said cowards!!

So this is one "perk" of living in the country - the constant stream of unwanted animals clamoring to your door. Over the years we have rescued countless dogs, tons of cats, and even one time a poor, starving, young mother cat with her litter of equally starving and frightened kittens. Luckily we caught all cats and were able to get them safely to the humane society for warmth, food and I am hoping, a happy home!

Just this past November we came across a starving black kitten and decided to get him healthy and keep him. He is very cute and lovable and now looks the picture of health. Chippy is one of the lucky ones. Then, just this past weekend when the weather was so unbelievably cold, we found yet another black kitten. We brought her in for the night and fed her and gave her a safe place to sleep. All the while we frantically called neighbours and anyone we could think of - Hey.. do you want a cat?? Unfortunately most everyone's cat buckets were full. So all we could do was take her to the local Humane Society. The Humane Society graciously took her in and we hope, will be able to find her a home.... soon.

For now, I hope we will be free of any unwanted kittens, cats and dogs for the next little while. And I would love to see, one day soon, a society who takes better care of our animal friends. Is this too much to ask?

A Little Off-Topic...

.. but is it just me or were the Grammy's really, painfully boring? I don't know, maybe I am too old and I just don't "Get" the music industry anymore... everyone seems so overly manufactured and insincere and well... untalented. Where are the independents and the ground-breaking new sounds and the truly talented? Nowadays it is about who has the biggest hair, the biggest boobs and can sell the most albums? And is most certainly NOT about the music because basically today's music just sucks.

Sure there are many stand out, unique and highly talented artists - and of course many, many are from Canada (too many to list here).. but the big names from the US who always shape the trends and of course make the most money are all so bad, and boring and bland and run of the mill.

I am sure (hope) I am not the only one to feel this way. But after watching barely an hour of the Grammy's last night, I had to turn it off. Good riddance!

It's Bloody Fr-fr-fr-eezing!!!

Winter has arrived in all her freezing, windy, bone-chilling, frosty, breath-stopping, bitter glory!

Thus far this winter we have had it fairly easy with moderate temperatures, little snow and easy driving conditions. I knew.. deep down inside... I knew this winter was finally going to arrive... the real winter.. not the mamby-pamby winter we have been experiencing.

Today's the day... the temperature has steadily been dropping, the wind has been picking up its crescendo like a crazed, blustery, frozen omen and the sky resembles the steel grey hull of a giant, imposing, monstrous cargo ship. And life doesn't stop -- it can't... wood will still have to be chopped and brought around for the wood stove (which has been churning out warmth and ambiance all day)... I will definitely want to feed the birds on a day like today and will need to go out for a walk with the dog. But alas Lu is still sleeping soundly in the next room and I'll have to wait until she wakes up in her usual grumpy stupor. It is days like today that you crave the warmth of an early summer sun.. walking outdoors with sandals and maybe a light jacket to keep the breeze from making you feel slightly chilly.

But not today... today winter has arrived and it is bloody well fr-fr-fr-eezing!!

sick and surgery

Just had surgery last week and I don't know what I was thinking. I figured I'd rest the day I got home and then I'd be good to go. Was I wrong!! It took what seemed to be forever to get over the anesthetic... I was dizzy for days and felt nauseous and was also just plain tired! It is amazing how surgery can just knock you off your feet.

But much to the husband's insistence.. I spent time in bed over the weekend with my leg elevated... and I slept too... probably too much... but I think I needed it... not only because I don't know when I had time off to just laze around... but I also felt the beginnings of a cold coming on (thanks to Lu who has had a horrific, rattly cough the past week). So I emailed people and read and just lazed about. Went for a couple of short walks just to keep things moving.. but other than that.. I think I needed to time to heal.

I feel a bit better today... still sore... but better!

walking and skiing and enjoying the snow

One of the best things about living in the country is the easy access to endless entertainment via Mother Nature! Right off the back porch we can take lengthy walks and never cross our original path; we can slap our cross country skis on and go for hours and hours... it is the best.

Wildlife sightings also add to the memorable times - from coyotes to deer and mink to birds galore; there is always something new to discover. And then of course there was the Sunday ski I went on ... alone at dusk with Chelsea the dog in tow and came across some fairly fresh bear tracks... I skied home pretty quickly -- but even throughout my initial fear I was also in awe of these large paw prints and who the proud owner was. I know I share the forest with many animals but I would like to keep the bear sightings to a paw print in the snow from now on.

Happy skiing!

A Christmas without mass produced products

Christmas is over and life has gotten back to reality - somewhat. So I am just reflecting on the past two weeks of family gatherings, presents, movies and breakfast in bed, friends over for visits, parties, and really good food. And the one thing that has really stayed with me is that I am so proud I never once set foot inside a big box store for any christmas gifts, etc. I proudly bought a few things through Etsy and the One of A Kind Show (supporting really wonderful and talented artisans), I picked up a few items at a locally owned toy store that only sells really high quality (Read: not made in China crap) toys and games at their store, Lu and I made some cookies and bath salts and gave those out as gifts and we also painted up some bird houses and wooden ornaments and gave those away too. We shopped online at World Wildlife Federation and made donations to World Vision and Medicines sans Frontiers - all three are such important organizations and we are proud to sponsor them - and I also did some last minute shopping at our local 10,000 villages store (money goes directly back to the third world artisan).

All in all it was a very "global" christmas and I am so happy I never once had to step foot in a Wal-Mart or other equally annoying large box store. I kept hearing people complaining about line ups and raging customers and low stock and dirty stores and I just had to laugh to myself and say... there is a better way... an easier way and a more important way. I think now is the time we have to stop looking at cheap solutions -- buying cheap toys, eating cheap sources of food -- it is just such an easy way out (or seemingly easy way out because the consequences are enormous). Just plan a little, think down the road a little and justify your cheap, easy purchase -- was it worth it? Really? Look beyond your safe reality and think long and hard about where that cheaply made toy came from, or the inexpensive steak on your plate... these are global issues now and we all need to start thinking globally as well and to stop taking the perceived easier way out!