Leaving the Past Behind

My parents recently split up. It's shitty, it really is. My mom is not doing well - it's just a mess.

My sister and I are gently nudging her in the direction to sell the farm. She doesn't want to. I get it though.. I really do. As much as we would like her to start somewhere new.... without reminders of the painful last year... I 'get' why she doesn't want to sell her lovely, sprawling Ontario farmhouse. At least not just yet.

My daughter and I spent the weekend with my mom. I wanted to see if she needed anything done around the house, if she needed a shoulder to cry on, if she needed to vent, or all of the above. My first thought has been for her to move -- just get out of this place, it is too big for you on your own and contains too many painful memories.

But after I put my daughter to bed... and then grandma followed suit... I wandered through the house and looked at the pictures on the walls, I ran my hand over the woodwork and furniture, I leafed through books and peered into cupboard doors. And I got nostalgic and sad; we have so many memories in this place and it might very well be gone soon - and with it all those lovely memories of why we moved to this rambling farmhouse in the first place.

We moved when my sister and I were in our teen years; both were competitive equestriennes and the move to a bigger place with space to ride, train and build a small barn to house our show horses was the perfect excuse to leave small town living behind. My mom had admired this house for years; she could see the potential under the dull, grey siding, the unfinished rooms inside, the unused property out back. Once this place went on the market - we jumped at the opportunity.

Over the years, the house was transformed to mom's vision... and the barn was built to my specifications.

Once complete we enjoyed this place so thoroughly. We held family gatherings here; hosted neighborhood parties and apres-horse get togethers. It was a warm, friendly and inviting spot. But like anything in life, you eventually move on.

Fast forward years later; I have been busy transforming my own old farmhouse and building a family, opportunities and business - during these times you tend to forget the past because you are so busy planning the future. But I took time that Saturday night to remember the past. And at that moment I "get" why mom isn't in too much of a hurry to move. I get it now.

I had one last chance to savour cherished memories. Just before heading to bed myself... I started turning out all the lights downstairs. Once I got to the porch light, I stopped to admire the scene outside. That scene has always been one of my favourites. Our house is set on top of a hill and I always loved looking out over the moonlit paddocks, across the road to the neighbour's house and beyond. I stood there, motionless for what seemed an eternity, just staring at my favourite view and felt such deep regret that this all might soon be gone. It is easy to get bitter at times like this; you wonder, if dad hadn't left mom, they would still be living at the farmhouse without any impending need to sell; that I wouldn't worry so incessantly about mom living here on her own; and I wouldn't be mourning the potential sale of our cherished, once happy family home. Does life have to be like this; is this how memories end? I guess we all have a lot of healing to do; and perhaps mom's healing starts at the house she loved so much.

Planning our Euro Getaway

So excited about our upcoming Euro Trip... will def. be here:







and here:

http://www.kidsinprague.com/post/botanicus-medieval-village-ostra/


and here:
http://www.kidsinprague.com/post/vysehrad-historical-site-with-playground-prague-2/

Some Random Thoughts for the New Year

Beautiful winter day... just strapped the x-country skiis on and went for a lovely glide. Not much snow cover so wasn't optimum.... but was lovely to get out in the peace of nature!
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Am loving this cute retro dress by Tiny Modernist (http://tinymodernist.bigcartel.com/). Wonder when she might design a mommy-version!

Piled on too many pounds over Christmas... so am following Martha Stewart's Whole Living 4-Week Action Plan. Lots of great advice, support, recipes and detox strategies.... (http://www.wholeliving.com/photogallery/4-week-makeover)

Must run.. time to put a fire on and make chicken soup from our weekend chicken stock making endeavour!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

December is almost here

With our first, light snowfall upon us... Lu keeps asking.. "is it Christmas already?"

It is difficult trying to explain to a four year old that Christmas is still many sleeps away! But she is excited, oh so excited and Christmas day this year will be pretty exciting.

Even though December first is right around the corner... I still have yet to start my christmas shopping. I hope to get away to Toronto's One of a Kind show tomorrow... but that is still up in the air. Last year I was able to get a huge bulk of my christmas shopping complete at the one of a kind show... but I am not sure if I'll be able to do the same this year (can't give everyone a similar gift to last year).

We did order presents for all the husband's clients, as well as finalizing ideas for Lu's ECE teachers at preschool and her Kindergarten teacher.

I still have to decorate the house and get the wreaths and swag outside... and start baking... and why oh why am I so behind this year.... December has just crept up on me without warning.

But it will get done -- well.... it has to get done!

The Painful Reminder

I knew the day would come. I knew it would be brutally hard; and truth be told... it is still brutally hard two years later.

It has been two years.. two painful years. We miss you Little Buddy. I miss your soft, silky fur and your expressive eyes. I miss how you loved to chase squirrels, frisbees, sticks, ducks and wheelbarrow wheels. I miss your slightly intense nature but loved the fact that in your eyes -- I was the best and only person alive on the planet.

How you loved when we went biking and hiking, or roller blading at midnight when we all lived in Kingston. You loved to snuggle in bed with us and you always positioned yourself close by -- whichever room we were in -- you were there to protect us.

Even though you were part Border Collie - you were deathly afraid of sheep (but that is our little secret). You loved your neck massaged, your belly rubbed and you just loved being with us; it made you feel secure and loved.

We spent virtually every single day together from when you were a mere 8 weeks old. You were by far the cutest puppy, the best companion and most loving senior dog in the world.

A part of me died with you. I will always remember you and love you.

Say hello to Tiamo for us.

We miss you dear Angus. Life is not the same....

Kindergarten

I am sure there are a million blogs right now devoted to a child's first day of school. So of course I thought I would add mine.

I have to say... this first day of kindergarten was pretty ordinary - -there were no tears, no clinging, no anxiety..... she just walked into the classroom like she'd been there for years and years.

Now mind you, we had been preparing for this day for years and years! We started her at preschool about 2 years ago with the hopes that a structured, educational and fun preschool would be a great warm up to "real" school. We also sent Lu off to day camp for two weeks this year... so another first... another new thing to try.... another learning activity. She has taken it all in stride.

We also went to the junior kindergarten orientation which was held earlier in the summer at her new school. So Lu and I went through the classrooms and visited the library and gym and met the teachers. So again this was a great opportunity for Lu to see her new school and know that it isn't a scary place. She was also very lucky to have her friend Lizzie as a classmate -- I know this helped ease her transition from preschool to JK.

So what do we do now? She is growing up so quickly, right before our eyes. Lu dresses herself in the morning without prompting or pressure, she gets her shoes on and a warm sweater and launches herself out the door to the car. It has all been pretty darned easy.

But of course I think about her all day. I count the seconds until she and daddy pull up in the driveway and I can snuggle her warm and drowsy body into my arms and ask her a million questions about her day: How was your teacher today? what did you learn? Who did you play with outside today? How was your lunch? Did you get a new book from the library today? Did you make a new friend? What new thing did you learn today? and the list goes on....

Yes.. I miss her terribly. I know she is having fun, but I also know at school she will have sad days and meet some not-so-nice kids and maybe not feel well and wish she were home with me, and I know she is going to get tired... oh so tired.... So really all I can do is love her and be there for her and make sure she gets lots of sleep and washes her hands and helps me pick out lunches and snacks to make for her school meal... and, and and!